To Hold in the Heart Forever
by xX Liza Xx
Summary: 'But there was a message from ben in there. A message she hadn't ever heard. A small sliver of his existence she didn't yet know... but she could if she could just work up the courage to say her last goodbye.' Co-written with my friend Eva (x Bout as Stable as the Wind x)


Cal had given her the holodisk shortly after Ben left. It held a message from Ben, he said. A farewell, no doubt. But she didn't want to let go. She still lived in their home, listened to their favorite songs, baked a few extra sweets like there was a husband to share them with. She left the mud on his boots and kept those boots by the bed. just in case. Just in case there were some way he could come back to her, love her, know this life again, she would keep those boots by the bed. She would keep his wedding ring on a chain around her neck. She would keep that annoying porg because that was ben's new pet. Sure, Xander the porg had been around for a month now, more than that, but he was still ben's. She was still Ben's.

But the night finally came when she was sitting in their bed, waiting in their quiet, sad room when she saw the holodisk sitting on her bedside table and decided to pick it up. It was heavier than she remembered it being. Cold, metal, lifeless... but there was a message from ben in there. A message she hadn't ever heard. A small sliver of his existence she didn't yet know... but she could if she could just work up the courage to say her last goodbye.

Settling in, she pulled the covers up to her chin and lay down, placing the holodisk on his side of the bed. She decided to close her eyes, hold his pillow close so she could still smell him. still pretend he was there. she reached out to press play, letting his voice fill the room and her heart one last time.

"Hey, beautiful"

Her chest constricted, eyes immediately burning. She could hear that smile in his voice. And then having her eyes closed felt wrong. She wanted to see it.

Looking up, there it was. That killer smile. His bright eyes shimmering like the sun off the sea. He was right there. Blueish lines didn't do him justice but it was still him. Close enough.

"I, um. I ain't a big talker. Ya know this." He ran a hand through his messy hair, the one with the scar above his ear.

He was wearing the hoodie she'd brought home for him not long before. It looked good on him. She loved it. Goodness, it was like he was sitting right there in the bed with her.

"But this is important. I wouldn't be surprised if ya had something like this yourself, but... if not, its fine. i just thought that maybe... maybe this could help ya or whatnot or..."

She wiped at her eyes, trying to keep tears at bay. "I know" she responded, despite the fact he couldn't hear her. He was nervous. Kept shifting, fidgeting. He really wasn't a man of these difficult talks. But he always tried his best when he felt it was important. this message already meant the world to her.

"I love you, Jenna," there was a little pause where she watched his eyes shine with adoration. A tight whimper forced from her lips. "I love you. And if for some reason this place ever takes me away from you... I don't want you to think that that's changed. I still love you. Might not remember it. Might not realize it. But I do. I love you, and I always will."

Jenna nodded, eyes sliding shut as her fingers curled in the sheets. "I know, baby"

"I love our home, our kids, our dogs and... sorry, babe, I love our porg." A chuckle. "You will too someday, I'm sure. And I'm sorry if this is the cheesiest kirffing thing you've ever heard but I need you to hear it all laid out right in front o' ya, in case I ever leave this place. In case I'm ripped away kickin' and screamin' cause you know, you KNOW that I would never leave you. Not you. I know people have in the past but I swear to the Force..."

Instinct drew her to open her eyes at his hesitation. She reached towards the hologram, fingers brushing his cheek gently as she watched him swallow back swells of emotion.

"I never wanna leave your side," he told her softly. "And I know you... you'd want to say goodbye. I know this is what this video is supposed to be, in case I ever AM forced to leave you but..."

Her fingers stayed close, knowing she couldn't really help him but she wanted to. He was fidgeting again, nervous. scared.

"I don't wanna ever say goodbye," he whispered. "So I'm just gonna say I love you. Because I do, Jenna. Please... don't ever forget that. I love you, and always will."

And he repeated that phrase. Countless times, over and over. Sometimes sounding sadder than he meant to at times, but he needed her to know. He had to say it over and over, for all those times her mother hadn't. Her father hadn't. The Graves hadn't. For all the time Jaxon couldn't because he'd died, and the times Peter never will because he left the world. Jenna Winters deserved all of the love in the galaxy, and he somehow needed to show her that through this video... in case he couldn't in person someday.

Jenna listened to every one. Her eyes slipping closed. She would soak up his words, his adoration, his love as long as she could. Tears finally escaped, running down the cheeks of a mourning wife.

And when he grew quiet, she could feel that loving gaze on her broken features, she dared to whisper it back. "I love you, Bennal Derek"

Exhausted, the young mother, wife, aunt, and friend began to drift off into a gentle sleep.

"Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum," Ben whispered, offering one last smile.

"Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum," Jenna repeated, catching a small whiff of his scent, a wave of warmth in her heart. Jenna Hope Derek drifted off to sleep feeling the love of her husband surround her once more. When she would wake up, she'd be somewhere else. Somewhere she wouldn't remember him. Any of it.

But her heart would be warm, her soul less alone in some mysterious way.

That's what years of love from three beautiful children, a pain in the ass (in a good way) best friend, godchildren, a niece, a nephew, and a wonderful husband, forgotten or not, do for a person. They heal a broken soul.

* * *

 _Bennal Derek is a character created by x Bout as Stable as the Wind x_

 _This story is set in The Convergence Roleplay (which can be found under General when searching Forums)_


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